When Will I See You Again
by Spike Speigel1
Summary: Beckett never realized what she had until it was gone.  Complete.


Title: When Will I See You Again

Author: Spike Speigel

Rating: PG-13

Classification: Castle/Beckett

Disclaimer: My third Castle fanfic. As usual, these characters don't belong to me. I'm just taking them for a joyride.

Spoilers: Everything's fair game, including Knockout.

Summary: Beckett never realized what she had until it was gone.

Author's Note: No beta here, so apologies for the errors. I wrote this pretty much in one sitting after hearing Wye Oak's Civilian attached to the latest Walking Dead trailer. The theme pretty much summed up Caskett for me. After all, it's all about faith.

* * *

><p>When she opens her eyes, she sees familiar faces. Esposito and Lanie have their arms wrapped about each other's waist, Lanie failing to keep the tears from welling up. Ryan gives her a meek smile before turning to his partner, both nodding. Josh sits at her bedside, holding her hand and telling her that he's never been so scared in his entire life. Her father comes into view, Josh sliding his chair back so Jim Beckett can wrap his arms around his daughter.<p>

Beckett smiles and apologizes. She wants to hug her father, but her arms won't cooperate. Josh alleviates her concerns, stating that she's still sedated. But she's going to be fine.

The door opens, and Beckett smiles as Martha and Alexis come into the room. Alexis has a giant stuffed teddy bear in her arms, the occupants in the room moving to either side of her to form a makeshift corridor. Alexis places the bear next to Beckett before embracing her.

And that's when Beckett finally notices.

Her gaze sweeps the room, now registering that someone is absent. He wasn't there. So she asks about Castle.

The room goes silent. Beckett can see it on their faces. Something's wrong. She asks once more. This time, Martha responds. She tells Beckett that Castle couldn't come. But being a detective, she can tell by the subtle lines on her face that she's lying. She asks Martha once more about the whereabouts of her son.

Beckett can see the sadness in Martha's face when she finally offers the truth.

He wasn't busy. He refused to visit.

And for a moment, Beckett can feel the pain through the medication.

* * *

><p>It's been days since she's seen him. She's tried calling him, but her calls keep on going to his voicemail. She tells herself that she should just go over to his place so they can talk, but Martha had dissuaded her from doing so. She had wanted to ask why, but judging by the solemn look on Martha's face, she decided against it.<p>

So, it's a genuine surprise when she sees him at the precinct. He sits at her desk, his attention on his clasped hands. He looks up when he hears her approaching footsteps. She doesn't know whether to be elated with him or to be furious at him. But he doesn't give her a chance to make the decision as he rises from the seat that he's used as his own for these past three years. It was supposed to be used for interviews, but with Castle at her side, they had usually held their interviews in the break room. No, that was his chair now.

Beckett doesn't know why the thought comes to her at that moment. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a chance to ponder it as well, Castle asking her if they can talk in private. She nods, motioning to the open interrogation room.

As they enter the room and she closes the door behind her, she notices that he doesn't sit. Instead, he remains standing, his hands in his pockets. She's about to ask him why he's been avoiding her, but it's like he's reading her mind. He could be scary like that at times, knowing exactly what she was thinking.

He tells her that he agrees with her. To which, Beckett gives him a look of puzzlement. She can see that Castle's gaze doesn't waver, as he expounds on his statement. He tells her that she was right about them being over.

He then tells her that he can't wait for her anymore. He's been holding out hope that Beckett would one day feel the same way that he feels about her. But after that night in her apartment, he realized that he was just fooling himself. Because if she cared about him the way he cared about her, then she wouldn't be with Josh.

He tells her that this isn't an ultimatum. Instead, he tells her that he'll keep working with her, because he still has one book left. And, frankly, seeing her at work inspires him more than sitting in front of an empty Word document. Castle then pulls his right hand out of his pocket, extending it to Beckett. He tells her that they can still be friends. But that's all.

Because he's tired of the way she makes him feel when he's around her. Therefore, all he can offer is his friendship, and nothing more. He asks her if she's okay with this new arrangement, stating that if she isn't, he'll walk out the door, and that would be the end of it.

Beckett wants to scream at him. She wants to tell him that he's an idiot for even thinking that they could ever be over. She wants to shake some sense into him. But when his eyes find hers once more, she can see the sadness waiting for her there. It's only then she realizes that he's telling her the truth.

So she does the only thing she can. She extends her hand, shaking his, and telling him that she's okay with just being friends. He offers her a small smile, telling her that he'll be in tomorrow. She nods and says okay, reciprocating his smile. Castle walks past her, opening the door to the bustling precinct, disappearing down the hallway toward the elevator.

Beckett stands in the interrogation room, wiping the tears from her eyes. When she regains her composure, she returns to her desk and begins going through case files.

* * *

><p>It starts small. First he stops bringing her coffee. Even though they're now "just friends", he's trying to keep it professional between the two of them. So much so, he's started using a notepad to scribble ideas while they're working cases. He no longer jokes with her. Yes, he's courteous and smiles at her when they talk, but Beckett knows better. This isn't the same man she's known for the past three years.<p>

Even his demeanor with Ryan and Esposito has changed. He no longer goes along with their snappy back and forth banter. Even when they give him an evident opening to complete their thought process, Castle instead keeps his head in his notepad, writing notes for his upcoming book. It takes Beckett a while to realize why Castle's acting so distant with Ryan and Esposito. But she finally gets it.

In order for him to remain professional with her, he has to remain professional with everyone. Even with Ryan and Esposito. She doesn't realize it until the day Ryan makes a comment about a murder victim being the splitting image of Charlie Brown. It's only then that she sees it. The gleam in Castle's eye, as though he's about to make some humorous comment about the murderer's identity. But as quickly as it appears, it vanishes as Castle returns to his notepad, busily scribbling notes.

Beckett frowns at the realization. Because she now realizes that the Castle she once knew was somewhere underneath this new Castle now standing in front of her. But he's keeping himself in check. Because he doesn't want to slip back into old habits. He doesn't want to complicate his newly defined relationship with her. So, she does the only thing she can in the moment. She makes a comment about putting out an all points bulletin on women matching the description of Lucy Van Pelt.

And sure enough, she catches it as she walks by Castle, smiling at the sign he's given her.

He gives her a genuine Castle smile.

* * *

><p>It's been a particularly grueling week for the department. Two blonde women had been murdered, the method of execution being strangulation by rope. Based on the autopsy by Lanie, the fibers in the neck matched. Jerry Tyson was back. And he was one murder away from disappearing once more.<p>

But this time it was different. This time, Tyson leaves notes addressed to Castle, daring him to catch him before he can finish his trinity of killings. Castle had told her the first time the 3XK killer escaped, that the only reason Tyson left him alive was to punish him.

And it was time for Castle's punishment.

Beckett can see it in his eyes. He's taking it personally, the two women's murders. Because had he pieced the clues together sooner, Tyson would be on death row, and none of this would be happening right now. Castle blames himself. And Beckett doesn't know what to do.

They're friends now. But were they close enough that she could try and console him? She needs to find out. She asks him casually if he wants to get a drink. That she was buying. And, surprisingly, instead of rejecting her offer, he nods and tells her that he'll buy. After all, he knows the owner of a bar a few blocks away.

Beckett laughs at his response, and he surprises her by laughing with her. They share a brief smile before Castle remembers himself, the smile quickly disappearing from his lips. He grabs his coat from the chair next to her desk and motions with his arm for her to walk ahead of him toward the elevator.

They walk side by side, the silence almost deafening, as Beckett thinks to herself. He almost came back to her.

* * *

><p>She comes out of the bathroom to see her seat now occupied by a twenty-something coed. She's practically draped over Castle's arm. Beckett wants to walk over and tell the young lady that Castle clearly doesn't need her company right now. But when he laughs at one of her jokes, Beckett finds herself unable to move.<p>

Instead, she stands in the crowd of patrons, watching the scene unfold in front of her. She doesn't know how much time has passed. Instead, she simply watches as Castle smiles and laughs with this woman that's ten years her junior, enjoying her company. The blonde then pulls a pen out of her pocketbook before grabbing a matchbook off the counter and opening it. Beckett sees her write something on the inside cover before placing it in Castle's hand. She leans over, whispers something into Castle's ear, and finally walks away, leaving Beckett's seat vacant once more.

Beckett debates whether she should go back over to Castle or just walk out and call him later to make up some excuse about why she left. Maybe something work related. But as she stands in the sea of people, trying to decide what she should do, she sees the smile disappear from Castle's face as he holds the matchbook in front of him for a brief moment. Then, before she realizes what's happening, Castle leans over the counter and tosses the matchbook into the garbage can.

However, it's what he does next that gets her attention. After returning back to his previous position on the stool, he looks at Beckett's seat for a moment before taking a sip of his bourbon. Beckett tries to wipe the smile from her face as she walks back to her seat.

* * *

><p>Castle almost knocks the cup over as he sits down next to Beckett, but she acts quickly, her hand grabbing the top of the lid as Castle shoots her a surprised look. He looks on as Beckett begins to wipe up the spilt coffee from her desk, asking the obvious question. Why were there two cups of coffee on her desk?<p>

She answers honestly. One was for her. The other was for him. Beckett goes on about how she needs her morning cup of coffee, and the stuff in the break room just wasn't doing it anymore. She needed her original cup of morning coffee, the cup that Castle used to bring each morning. She goes on to tell him that while she was at the coffee shop, it seemed impolite to just buy one cup, so that explained the cup that Castle almost knocked over.

Castle looks at the cup sitting in front of him before moving his gaze to Beckett, holding her cup in both hands as she took a sip. He always thought it was cute the way she drank coffee. Even though she was a hardened New York City detective, she drank coffee like a baby with a warm bottle. It was endearing, to say the least.

His gaze moves back to his cup as he lifts it up in his hand. He holds it to his lips but doesn't take a sip. Instead, he looks back to Beckett, and begins to ask her whether she knew how he took his coffee. After all, he had always bought the morning coffee.

She doesn't look at him as she talks between sips. Black. Two sugars. She never sees him smile as he brings the cup to his lips.

* * *

><p>They find the third body in the alley next to Castle's loft, the cause of death strangulation. However, this time, there is no note on the body for Castle. Neither Beckett nor Castle can explain the absence of a note. Beckett theorizes that Tyson was done with Castle, and his not leaving a note was his way of telling Castle that he was done.<p>

Castle nods, not saying a word. But the way he carries his body tells her everything she needs to know. Castle thinks that he's lost, and the price was the life of three young women. Beckett opens her mouth, about to tell him that it's not his fault, but Castle interrupts her by telling her that this was probably for the best. It seems almost fitting, things ending like this.

He turns to her, and tells her that he's done with the final book in the Nikki Heat series. He finished it last night. All that was left was to let his editor have a once over with the manuscript, and that was that. He tells her that he'll be by later at the precinct to sign the papers to officially terminate his partnership with her before he walks back to the lobby.

Beckett wants to tell him that she'll see him later. But she knows that might not be true. So, instead, she just watches him as he walks away.

* * *

><p>Beckett rushes through the hospital doors, finding herself in a lobby already occupied by Ryan, Esposito, Martha, and Alexis. Martha and Alexis are sitting on the sofa, both holding the other in their arms, while Ryan and Esposito walk over to Beckett to calm her down.<p>

Her questions come in rapid succession. Where was he? What happened? Was Tyson really dead? Where was he?

Esposito places his hands on Beckett's shoulders, trying to calm her down, but he can see by the look in her eyes, all that matters is Castle. He tells her that Tyson was already in Castle's loft when they discovered the third body. He waited for the right moment, after the police had left with the body, before he attacked Martha.

Beckett looks over Esposito's shoulder to see bruising on Martha's face, but none on Alexis. This comforts Beckett somewhat, knowing that Tyson was unable to get to Alexis. She returns her gaze to Esposito as he continues. He tells her that Tyson probably wanted to end things with Castle by completing a final trinity; Castle's family. From what he and Ryan were able to get from Martha and Alexis, Castle was able to hold his own against Tyson.

But then Tyson pulled a gun.

Beckett's eyes grow wide at the mention of the word, panic beginning to seep into every pore of her body. She asks again where Castle is, to which Ryan responds. He tells her that Castle is in surgery. Apparently, when the two men struggled for the gun, it discharged twice. One round for each individual. And while Tyson's had been fatal, Castle's had done enough damage that he was still in intensive surgery.

Beckett can feel her legs beginning to give way from under her, but she maintains her composure and pats Ryan on the shoulder as she walks past the two detectives, making her way toward Martha and Alexis.

She stands before the two Castle women, not knowing what to say. She wants to say she's sorry. She wants to say she should have been there. She wants to say so many things. But whatever she wants to say must be evident in her face, because Alexis holds her hand out to Beckett, pulling her down to the sterile leather couch. Beckett puts her arms around both Martha and Alexis. She doesn't realize that she's crying until Martha pulls her close and begins to cry with her.

* * *

><p>His eyes are closed when she sits down in the chair next to his bedside. The machines hooked up to him all indicate that he's alive. But he's still unconscious. Beckett's lost count of how many times she's sat in this wooden chair with the pick cushion on the seat. All she knows is that she needs him to wake up.<p>

She comes by every evening and sits by his side, hoping that today will be the day that he'll finally open his eyes. But Beckett finds herself beginning to doubt herself. She knows the statistics. The longer Castle remains in a coma, the harder it'd be for him to wake up. And she desperately wants him to wake up. Needs him to wake up.

Because she needs to tell him everything. She needs to tell him that she's no longer with Josh. She needs to tell him that she misses him. She needs to tell him that work isn't the same without him. She needs to tell him that Esposito doesn't know how she takes her coffee. She needs to tell him that Martha and Alexis still need him. She needs to tell him that she loves him.

She needs to tell him that she loves him.

Beckett closes her eyes as she slides from the chair, leaning over his body. She rests her head on his chest and whispers her epiphany to him. She says it over and over, the tears beginning to well in her eyes, hating herself for finally realizing what Castle really means to her. Hating herself for taking so long to get here.

Three little words. Over and over, like a mantra. She whispers them to Castle, even though he's unconscious. She just needs to say them. She needs to say them because of the meaning behind them.

Beckett grips the sheets, tears freely flowing down her cheek, as she continues to say the words to Castle. And then, she feels it. She turns her gaze toward Castle, her head still on his chest, to see Castle looking back at her, his hand on her head.

She can feel his thumb slowly moving against her scalp, his mouth trying to move but his body too weak to accomplish the task. So Beckett shakes her head, telling him that it's okay. She already knows what he wants to tell her. She can see it in his smile as she returns it in kind.

She can see her Castle in that smile.

She can see love.

_**Fin**_


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